All posts tagged parents

If Children Were Machines…

Child machine

Child machine

…then parents would be their technicians. Every day, all day calibrating them to make them run properly.
“Machine #2 is making a whining sound. Reduce sugar intake by half.”
“Machine #1 is slowing down. Turn it off for 10 hours. Let the battery recharge. It will run better in the morning.”
“The waste disposal mechanism is malfunctioning on machine #1 causing a lot of back up. Less cheese/more plum juice”
“Machine #2 made a screaming sound in the middle of the night. Who turned the machine on?”
“At 5:15 pm, machine #2 started kicking and screaming and I can’t seem to find the source of the problem. Refuel immediately. Attempt to reboot the mainframe.”
“Red Light! Red Light! Machine #1 is having a total meltdown. Unable to hit the reset button. May Day! May Day! We’re on lock down.”
“Who gave the machine candy? Never give the machine candy!!! Oh Christ! Now we’ll have to recalibrate it all night long.”
Eventually, it will just be, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this machine. It just came this way. It still works, just not the way we had hoped. Let’s just let it run on it’s own and see what happens. All of our efforts to control the machine have failed.”.

A minivan is just a roomier hearse. Your life is over now that you have kids. Drive a car that reflects that.