All posts in kid stuff

Dinner – ugh – coming up with meals drives me crazy

Every day I wake up thinking – “What am I going to make for dinner?” It plagues me. Not just because my children only want to eat breakfast for every meal, but also because it is taxing to come up with meals for everyone each day. I can’t imagine people with 4 kids let alone 19 kids trying to make something for everyone. To make things more difficult, my boys don’t seem to like meat much. Which is fine by me because I’m not that into it either, but Craig is. He needs a lot of food all day long. You wouldn’t know it to look at his thin body, but the man can put back some food. He is in his mid-fourties and I think he is still growing. I have never counted the number of calories he eats in a day, but it’s in the 3,000 range and he never gains a pound (shake my fists). He eats a half pint of Haagen Dazs every night and never gains weight (shouting to God, “WHY? Why couldn’t it be me?”). He is a miracle. I, on the other hand, eat only raw vegetables and fruit and gain weight. Life is so unfair.

Anyway, back to dinner, the meal itself takes FOREVER! They don’t eat. Actually, Carter is starting to become a very prolific eater, but Henry is on a fast or something. I make them alfredo, their favorite and Henry barely touches it. He went through a two week period of only wanting oatmeal for every meal. Even when they do eat, it’s a lot of us sitting there cajoling them to take just one bite. The struggle starts immediately when I try to get them to eat vegetables first. I tell them when they eat their vegetables then they will get whatever it is they are wanting – peanut butter and jelly sometimes. I don’t even care at this point, I just don’t want to have to give them Miralax.

Last night, I resigned to just making what I thought they needed: black beans, cantaloupe, roasted cauliflower and toast or whatever bread they wanted after they ate the others. It was about 20 minutes before they took a single bite. There were a lot of tears, but they did it. We were exhausted and thoroughly frustrated. Just before I fell asleep, I leaned over to Craig and said, “What am I going to make for dinner?”
“Already?” was his reply.
I don’t know. It might have to be pizza because I don’t think I have the strength…

If Children Were Machines…

Child machine

Child machine

…then parents would be their technicians. Every day, all day calibrating them to make them run properly.
“Machine #2 is making a whining sound. Reduce sugar intake by half.”
“Machine #1 is slowing down. Turn it off for 10 hours. Let the battery recharge. It will run better in the morning.”
“The waste disposal mechanism is malfunctioning on machine #1 causing a lot of back up. Less cheese/more plum juice”
“Machine #2 made a screaming sound in the middle of the night. Who turned the machine on?”
“At 5:15 pm, machine #2 started kicking and screaming and I can’t seem to find the source of the problem. Refuel immediately. Attempt to reboot the mainframe.”
“Red Light! Red Light! Machine #1 is having a total meltdown. Unable to hit the reset button. May Day! May Day! We’re on lock down.”
“Who gave the machine candy? Never give the machine candy!!! Oh Christ! Now we’ll have to recalibrate it all night long.”
Eventually, it will just be, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this machine. It just came this way. It still works, just not the way we had hoped. Let’s just let it run on it’s own and see what happens. All of our efforts to control the machine have failed.”.

I probably had it coming…

Pretty!!!

Pretty!!!

What with all my catering to his every need since the day he was born and all. Yeah, I deserved this.

You should see the other guy.

Oops, did that hurt? Now read me a story old lady!

“Oops, did that hurt? Now read me a story old lady!”

Being a mom is dangerous..

You want a piece of me?

You want a piece of me?

Does this eye bruise make me look fat?IMG_3437 Is this a rite of passage as a mother to two boys? My first black eye?

It was an accident.

Here’s what happened. The boys love it when I play this game with them where I push them down on the bed hard. They just try to sit up. I push them down on the pillow. They laugh and laugh, “Again Mommy! Again!”. Pretty simple. Usually harmless. A bit unorthodox. So, we were having a lazy afternoon lie in the bed. We were about to get up to go swim at our neighbor’s pool and we started playing that game. Henry was next to me and Carter next to him. They took turns sitting up and then I pushed them down. Eventually, the game ended…or so I thought. I was lying there with my head on the pillow reading to Carter when I got blind sided by Henry lunging himself backward onto my face. It HURT. Like real bad it hurt. Like I shot up and said, “Henry! Oh My God!” and just held my face in a pillow saying “Oh My God! Oh my God” over and over for at least a minute. I was waiting for the pain to subside and it took way longer than usual (because I do get hit or rammed once a day or so). By the way, Henry was totally fine. I felt a goose egg on the back of his head, but he didn’t seem affected by that. He’s still in that “two year old sociopathic phase” where he feels no one else’s pain. All he said was, “Read to me!” Sweet Carter took control, “It’s ok mommy. Take deep breaths. I’ll go get an ice pack.” He went down stairs. He came back with those giant hard plastic ice packs for the cooler. “The Spiderman one Carter!”. I went into the bathroom and saw my face. “MY Face! My Fortune!” No, I was not cracking wise anymore. I started to cry. The pain was gone, but I cried anyway because I was bleeding from my face(!) and it swelled up like Tina Turner’s after that hotel fight with Ike. Ok, not that bad, but at the time, I was very hyperbolic.

I facetimed Craig. He gasped! “you may need stitches.” More crying from me. “My modeling career!”(hardeeharhar…mmmm…Hardee’s…FriscoBurger). Then I called our neighbor who we were supposed to swim with. Lucky for me, she and her husband are doctors – yay! They are very kind to allow me to sometimes overuse them as my personal physician since Doug Kwon (my previous personal physician/male bridal attendant/MDPhD in Molecular Immunology/AIDS research friend who has his own lab at HARVARD – yes, HARVARD!) lives in Boston. Seriously, it was such a relief to have them look me over and apply the bandage. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Martha & Danny!

And that’s it. Whole story. My husband doesn’t hit me. I didn’t have a car accident. I didn’t fall down drunk anywhere. It was just an accident that looks way worse than it seems like it should. Actually, it didn’t look that bad after the first day. It just looked like I had a LOT of purple eye shadow on one eye and some crazy eye liner. I could have just gone to the MAC counter and had them do the other eye the same way and no one would notice. Gradually though, it has gotten worse. Here’s the progression:

We immediately put the matter behind us. Easy to do since he still hasn’t noticed anything different about my face or the fact that he had anything to do with it.

My Little Ike Turner

My Little Ike Turner

Morning Television

Mornin'

Mornin’

We are having a parenting dilemma in our house.  Craig is working very hard to keep the boys from watching TV in the morning before school.  They get up and help make breakfast.  They make his coffee.  Right now, I hear them grinding the coffee beans.  It’s awesome.  I totally support this.  When I get up with them first (which is not nearly as often as Craig does) I have them help too.  They love it.

Here’s the thing though, Henry woke up at 5:30 this morning (because he took a nap yesterday).  He woke up at 5:15 the day before (if you don’t count him waking up at 3, as well).  And Carter work up at 5:15 the day before that.  On those occasions, I feel the need to flip on the TV so that we can get a few more winks.  Yeah, it’s not the ideal morning, but OMG, it keeps me a little bit sane.

Some mornings, Henry gets in bed with us and will go back to sleep.  This morning was not one of those.  This morning, he snuggled up impossibly close to me.  My back was to him as I tried to feign sleep.  Then he started kicking his feet into my back.  I ignored it.  Then he started raking my face with his hands.  Again, I pretended that I was so deep in slumber that this physical assault did not rouse me.  Finally, he started talking, nay, screaming “I want go to down stairs.”  Because Craig is the greatest man that ever lived, he said, “Ok, Henry, I’ll go with you.”  To that Henry said, “No.  I want mommy to go.”  Then I brought up TV and Craig quickly whisked him away.  So here I am typing in bed.  Don’t know why I’m complaining; maybe I’m not. I’m just sayin’, sometimes it may be ok if they watch TV in the morning.

I am so proud of Craig for getting up with them and letting me sleep in.  I mean, that is the sweetest gift ever.  Of course, he does it mostly because he knows I will be an absolute bitch all day if I don’t get enough sleep.  Doesn’t make it any less sweet though.   And they love getting to make breakfast with Daddy.  Still sometimes, I miss morning television.

What do I know right?  Here they are this morning.  They have been happily working all morning.  Henry just picked out a puzzle to do and Carter has been diligently writing his name over and over again for his Valentine bags.

A minivan is just a roomier hearse. Your life is over now that you have kids. Drive a car that reflects that.

me

one is the loneliest crafter

the turkey of marriage equality

the turkey of marriage equality

So far I have made several hand turkeys. One with crayons, one with dried beans, one with paint. I have also made a turkey out of a toilet paper roll. My children have made zero turkeys (except Henry sort of made one, but really my mom did it). I pin all sorts of crafts for every occasion on pinterest. I save toilet paper rolls, egg cartons, jars, pine cones, scrap paper, even fallen leaves in hopes of one day making any of these “15 Fabulous Fall Leaf Crafts” . I set up nice little crafting stations with beans and multi-colored dry pasta neatly arranged. Henry and Carter have no interest.

"wow mom. You really organized those beans in a way that inspired me to create," said Carter never.

“wow mom. You really organized those beans in a way that inspired me to create,” said Carter never.

See the turkey I made with beans above.  Sigh. I will not be deterred.  We will make reindeer out of clothes pins and snow men out of cotton balls!  More likely, I will make those things, but it’s gonna happen.

Before going to the park

IMG_1265We were going to ride bikes on the belt line (woo hoo!  love the Atlanta belt line) and then play in Piedmont Park.  Henry was in the car, strapped into his seat.  Carter brought his bike around and ran up the front stoop.  He turned to me and said, “There’s my bike.  I’m going to go get some extra underpants in case I poop my pants.”

So, first I laughed because that is hilarious.  I’m totally going to use that line next time Craig and I have date night.  Craig will be walking to the car in his stylish blazer and I will holler out, “just going in to get my back up panties in case I poop myself.” Sadly, one day, I imagine I will use that line without irony.

I was amused, but confused by Carter saying this.  Was he planning some awful surprise for me?  Should I acknowledge his preparation skills?  He is always leaving books and hats that he brings to school.  He’s showing some real maturity here, planning ahead.  I’d hate to ignore that.  Ya know, positive reinforcement and all.  No, I must let him know that pooping your pants is not an option.   He is 4 1/2 and has been potty trained for 2 years.  He has never pooped his pants.  Not since that one time when he was still fighting potty training (OMG, I will have to do a series of posts on my nightmare experience).  So, what the hell was he talking about?  If he has the fore thought to bring a back up pair of underoos, then he can manage to hold it until we get to a potty.

I said, “Why would you poop your pants?  Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

Carter, “No.”

Me, “Let’s go to the bathroom now.”

Carter, “Ok.”

I put his bike in the car and turned around.  He had pulled his pants down to his ankles and his naked behind was facing the street as he tried pushing the front door open. He finally got in and well, you can figure out the rest.  Here are some pics from our outing. Read more…

Can I have some food? Can I have bacon?

Henry (2), at snack time

This is how you do a lazy sunday

I love my bed. Really, I love any bed, but mine especially. I just really love to lie down. Today is the first day in a long time when we didn’t have to get up and get going somewhere. So we are all lying in bed and I couldn’t be happier. This is how you do a lazy Sunday.

Lazy Sunday

All My Monkeys!

First, you send your tired husband out to fetch breakfast. Cause you know I’m not cooking (snap, snap).

breakfast getter

breakfast getter

Read more…

Every Morning. 30 Minutes.

image

Vampire gets punked

vampire punked
Ok, so, the kids are planning something with their mom. Please tell me they are gathering garlic, holy water and wooden stakes.
put these on
Hmmm…they are putting bags on. Maybe they are planning to escape so he and they need to hide.
run vampire run
Nice, turning the tables on Vampire. I did not see that coming.

Vampire: now it’s getting weird

Oh Boy, things are getting weird with vampire.

Oh My God Mom! Do NOT turn around!


Ok, so here it starts to get really weird. First vampire was like a stalker/possible murderer to the family. Now Mom completely accepts and even makes him clothes?!!! mom works And where is dad? Did vampire kill him and now wants to replace him?
WHA?  So, Dad would NOT like this.

WHA? Dad would NOT like this.

What kind of weird, sick, scenario do we have here? So, mom sees Vampire as another child?
Vampire struts

Vampire struts

Oh, I get it. Vampire is a transvestite.

Umm, what?

Happy Halloween Dick and Jane – oh no! Something is terribly wrong!

Oh, sweet. Sally is going to clean her room. What a good girl.

Uh Oh.  Sally.

Uh Oh. Sally.

Holy crap Sally! Get out of there!
CREEPY!!!

CREEPY!!!

Seriously Dick and Jane – COME HELP HER! There is a vampire under her bed.
OMG!  POOR SALLY!

OMG! POOR SALLY!

Of course, when they come in, he’s gone. But we all saw it, right?
Of course, when they come in, but we all saw it.  Right?

Oh sh*tballs. Sally will never sleep again.


Oh, Jane is going out for a walk.
Oh, this is sweet.

Oh, this is sweet.

What a lovely place for a walk. go outside and play Holy Crap!
Oh No!!!  This is creepy!

Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!

Run Jane Run!
Run Jane! Run!!

Forget the flowers Jane!

Well, Jane must be dead now. I mean, you can’t outrun a vampire.
Oh no, not poor Sally again.

Oh no, not poor Sally again.

Oh, Sally’s back, but she looks shaken.
Do not eat that Sally!

Do not eat that Sally!

Oh Man. Sally is going to need a LOT of therapy. Possibly shock treatments.
Huh?  Do they not notice is ghostly pallour?

Huh? Do they not notice is ghostly pallour?

Once again, they will all claim they don’t see the vampire and Sally will be dismissed as a child making things up for attention. Hey, but Jane’s alive. That’s a relief.
WHAT is going on here?  Is she blind?  Does she not see the vampire standing right next to her?  I thought getting the mom involved would be a good thing.  This is like Lost Boys!

WHAT is going on here? Is she blind? Does she not see the vampire standing right next to her? I thought getting the mom involved would be a good thing. This is like Lost Boys!

Woah – I am like floored by what is happening here. Is mom a vampire? Or a fanger? (yeah, I watch True Blood)

So, I found this in the children’s section at our public library

Umm, what?

Umm, what?