All posts in funny things

Red Baroned

Screen shot 2014-08-04 at 8.09.28 AM(this blog post to be read in the voice of Keith Morrison because “Dateline” was on while I was writing it.) If there is one thing Hayden has learned as a parent, it is if you smell a bad smell there is always a source. Do not stop until you find that source because if you wait….you just might get…..RED BARRONED(insert gutteral “mmmhmmm” Keith Morrison noise for curiosity here).  On Monday, Hayden went grocery shopping. She bought all of the essentials, milk, eggs, bread and……Red Baron frozen cheese pizza.  She is an earth lover, so she brought her own bags to the store and they were filled with her family’s food for the week.

Hayden got home that hot afternoon in Georgia, unloaded the groceries and went about her little life, but something was different (“mmmhmmmm”).  On Tuesday, it was lovely out and she rode around in her Honda Odyssey with the windows down, her two boys happily singing along with Elton John’s “Someone Saved my life Tonight”. At one point she thought something smelled funny in the van, but figured it was outside. On Wednesday it was hot out. Very hot.  Hayden thought she smelled a strange smell, like Italian food in the car, but they hadn’t been out to eat so she knew there couldn’t be a box of left overs anywhere (insert Keith Morrison “Ahhha” sound here). On Thursday her dutiful husband, Craig took the car to get cleaned and it came back looking wonderful, but still a faint odor of lasagna remained. On Friday, Craig, who has a very reliable nose, still smelled the offensive smell. He searched all over the car, through the storage box in the front, the cool box, even under the children’s car seats. Then he went to the trunk and what he found would haunt his olfactories for the rest of his life.  Inside a Trader Joe’s grocery bag for cold stuff was something unbelievable (mmmhhhmmmm).  Inside was (pause for dramatic effect) the Red Baron frozen pizza Hayden had purchased on Monday. All week long it sat in the hot van, roasting, stinking, sweating, losing it’s artificial sheen.  It was the only thing in that one bag, so, of course she missed it! A frozen pizza is flat and the same shape as the bag. Who puts one thing in a bag when you buy $200 worth of groceries? No one, that’s who.  And yet, on that blistering hot day in Atlanta, someone did. Oh they did. (ahhhhha)

The moral of the story: whenever there is a smell, there is always a source. Never stop looking. (this is also true for poop smells).  Hayden learned this lesson all too well (mmmmhhhhmmmm).Screen shot 2014-08-04 at 8.12.46 AM

I heart my Minivan/Get with the uncool

minivan loveMost of my friends with kids don’t drive a minivan and all of my friends without kids don’t. Minivans are patently uncool, I get that. But I LOVE my minivan!  Do I look cool driving it? Not at all. Do I care? Not one bit. Who do I have to impress? My life is over. I am a mom now.  If I look halfway decent on any given day, then I must have a funeral to attend or a parent/teacher conference.  I just want every day to be less of a struggle.  Maybe I’m weird, but I like solving problems.  Like when it’s cold out, I like to turn on the heat and when I’m hungry, I like to eat food.  I’ve got real issues now, looking cool does not even cross my mind.  In a minivan, everyone has enough space. We can seat like 17 people in there. Lots of cup holders, video player and a trunk with storage like a clown car. I’m not still painting on my jeans and looking for a man.  I’ve snagged him.

Many people I know refuse to drive a minivan because it is so very lame.  So, my question to you parents who defiantly refuse to do yourself a favor is, who are you trying to impress?  Your life is over too.  You are off the market.  Nobody wants to hit that and if they do, stay far away.  Is it because you are too ashamed to drive it at carpool?  Puhlease.  You afraid your single friends won’t think you’re cool.  News Flash: you’re not.  You are a mom/dad – also patently uncool.  Embrace your status, don’t fight it.  Nothing worse than seeing an old lady in a tube top – unwilling to accept that she is no longer hot. (although some old ladies can still rock a tube top: Susan Sarandon, Helen Mirren.)

I am comfortable in my uncool status.  Now, don’t get crazy.  I’m not about to start wearing acid washed mom jeans or anything. But yeah, I’ll ride in a reasonably priced family wagon with a rear row that can face backwards so we can tailgate. Not that we have ever used this, but when we do, I will burst with pride.

Under normal circumstances, when I was way into something that nobody else liked, I would say, “Good. More for me.” If it were a Kit Kat or something, then that would work.  But since it’s an automobile, that doesn’t really make sense. I’m not trying to convince anyone of the superiority of the minivan for personal gain.  I’m doing this for your sakes, out of the kindness of my own heart. WWJD – and all of that. I want to help you, parents, help yourselves. For the love of God, buy a minivan. Make a check list of everything you NEED in a car, but eliminate the “looks cool” and minivan has it in spades.

To those of you cool kids, still hanging onto a shred of hope that you won’t fall off the socially relevant wagon, I admire your stamina. But like wrinkles and belly fat, uncool is inevitable. Why torture yourselves with an expensive SUV that your children have to climb into like they are climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Come over to the wide side with lots of floor space.

When you are out of your minivan, you can still fool people. Dress in the latest threads and smoke your Virginia Slims. But when you are touring the city dropping off kids – it’s all business. Mom & Dad business. Obviously, have a second “cool car”. Not necessarily a Maserati. We have a Prius – cool and sensible. Do yourselves a favor and get the minivan now before your child pukes so many times in that SUV that its resell value is zip.

You’re welcome.

Photos by Dot

Mama (Dot) took some photos of Craig and me. Aren’t they great?
IMG_1244

She took about ten shots of us to get the right one. Each time, holding the camera way out in front of her and kind of jostling it about. It’s a professional secret that I couldn’t possibly understand. If you are looking for a photographer, especially for holiday pictures, she’s available. IMG_1240
If you don’t have a ladder, she can bring her own. She likes to stand high above you for the pictures. She’s got a great eye for framing a shot.
IMG_1242And if you have a small nook with lots of junk around and poor lighting, that would be ideal.IMG_1248 Dot didn’t take this one, I did. Trying to emulate her technique. I will never be as good as her though.

Can I have some food? Can I have bacon?

Henry (2), at snack time

You have to see this. My Sister is Sally in “MOVIES IN REAL LIFE: When Harry Met Sally”

This awesome!!!! My sister, Ashley Ward, the amazingly talented, hilarious, Jeopardy Champion, beautiful, with a voice that reminds you there is a God (not that she’s singing in this. I’m just sayin’) actress is Sally in the NEW Improv Everywhere episode of “Movies in Real Life: When Harry Met Sally”. Watch it. Love it. Tell your friends!

Vampire: now it’s getting weird

Oh Boy, things are getting weird with vampire.

Oh My God Mom! Do NOT turn around!


Ok, so here it starts to get really weird. First vampire was like a stalker/possible murderer to the family. Now Mom completely accepts and even makes him clothes?!!! mom works And where is dad? Did vampire kill him and now wants to replace him?
WHA?  So, Dad would NOT like this.

WHA? Dad would NOT like this.

What kind of weird, sick, scenario do we have here? So, mom sees Vampire as another child?
Vampire struts

Vampire struts

Oh, I get it. Vampire is a transvestite.

Craig was just watching an HBO movie and said, "you know, the actor that played the rapist in SVU."  I, of course, said, "you'll have to be more specific.

SVU humor