All posts in minivan

A minivan is just a roomier hearse. Your life is over now that you have kids. Drive a car that reflects that.


I heart my Minivan/Get with the uncool

minivan loveMost of my friends with kids don’t drive a minivan and all of my friends without kids don’t. Minivans are patently uncool, I get that. But I LOVE my minivan!  Do I look cool driving it? Not at all. Do I care? Not one bit. Who do I have to impress? My life is over. I am a mom now.  If I look halfway decent on any given day, then I must have a funeral to attend or a parent/teacher conference.  I just want every day to be less of a struggle.  Maybe I’m weird, but I like solving problems.  Like when it’s cold out, I like to turn on the heat and when I’m hungry, I like to eat food.  I’ve got real issues now, looking cool does not even cross my mind.  In a minivan, everyone has enough space. We can seat like 17 people in there. Lots of cup holders, video player and a trunk with storage like a clown car. I’m not still painting on my jeans and looking for a man.  I’ve snagged him.

Many people I know refuse to drive a minivan because it is so very lame.  So, my question to you parents who defiantly refuse to do yourself a favor is, who are you trying to impress?  Your life is over too.  You are off the market.  Nobody wants to hit that and if they do, stay far away.  Is it because you are too ashamed to drive it at carpool?  Puhlease.  You afraid your single friends won’t think you’re cool.  News Flash: you’re not.  You are a mom/dad – also patently uncool.  Embrace your status, don’t fight it.  Nothing worse than seeing an old lady in a tube top – unwilling to accept that she is no longer hot. (although some old ladies can still rock a tube top: Susan Sarandon, Helen Mirren.)

I am comfortable in my uncool status.  Now, don’t get crazy.  I’m not about to start wearing acid washed mom jeans or anything. But yeah, I’ll ride in a reasonably priced family wagon with a rear row that can face backwards so we can tailgate. Not that we have ever used this, but when we do, I will burst with pride.

Under normal circumstances, when I was way into something that nobody else liked, I would say, “Good. More for me.” If it were a Kit Kat or something, then that would work.  But since it’s an automobile, that doesn’t really make sense. I’m not trying to convince anyone of the superiority of the minivan for personal gain.  I’m doing this for your sakes, out of the kindness of my own heart. WWJD – and all of that. I want to help you, parents, help yourselves. For the love of God, buy a minivan. Make a check list of everything you NEED in a car, but eliminate the “looks cool” and minivan has it in spades.

To those of you cool kids, still hanging onto a shred of hope that you won’t fall off the socially relevant wagon, I admire your stamina. But like wrinkles and belly fat, uncool is inevitable. Why torture yourselves with an expensive SUV that your children have to climb into like they are climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Come over to the wide side with lots of floor space.

When you are out of your minivan, you can still fool people. Dress in the latest threads and smoke your Virginia Slims. But when you are touring the city dropping off kids – it’s all business. Mom & Dad business. Obviously, have a second “cool car”. Not necessarily a Maserati. We have a Prius – cool and sensible. Do yourselves a favor and get the minivan now before your child pukes so many times in that SUV that its resell value is zip.

You’re welcome.